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HIP HOP DISHONORS (SPOOF)

Affion Crocket strikes again. LMAO!

TELL 'EM WHY YOU MAD: Just Because I Am!

It’s been a while since I’ve vented but it’s well overdue. Let me tell you why I’m mad …

A REAL CHANCE AT IGNORANCE: When will we learn that there will never be love found on a reality dating television show? Oh, right we’ve already figured that out and now it’s just about exposure and entertainment. The brothers of the Stallionaires are back and they’ve brought (in addition to their personal antics and poor taste in clothes) many ghetto girls with them. Where do they even find these women – strip clubs? Are they wannabe models? Some of them may even be out on work release. I wonder if the casting call notice reads: “women with common sense, dignity and self esteem need not apply.” These women (after one episode) are an embarrassment to all the real women in the world. I often laugh when these shows start with their “naming ceremony”, which is straight fuckery and the final stripping of personal identity and dignity (whatever may be left) from the contestants (for the lack of a better term) on the show.

“Hmm… you look real tasty, imma call you Biscuit.”

Girl: “Thank you boo…”

“You walk like a mountain lion, I’m going to calling you Forest.”

Girl: “Ohhhh my goodness… I like that”

“You look like a traffic light with all that body, I’m gonna call you Yield Sign.”

Girl: “Imma yield sign all over you all night long baby.”

It’s also very interesting (and entertaining) to listen to Real and Chance narrating the show. They sound like Bill and Ted, speaking in Ryan Leslie’s Gibberish lyrics. Thanks Chance for making up your own words. These brothers are straight fools (literally) and ignant (yes, ignant) at that. Rumor has it, if this season doesn’t work out, Real’s hair is going to have a spin off series of it’s own. Because as we know, the only chick on the show with class and self-esteem is that mane that Real calls his hair.



NICK + MARIAH + EM = WAKE ME WHEN THIS BS IS OVER: It’s like watching a pitbull fight the Taco Bell dog (RIP Taco Bell dog … lol). Nick Cannon has nothing in his arsenal that could ever compare to Em’s lyrics. It would be a waste of time for Nick to go into the studio to record a comeback track. Maybe he’ll just write another 12-page-letter instead that no one can read in its entirety or digest ever (remember that blog entry he wrote after the first track and before Mariah released the Obsessed video? Can you say loooooong winded?!) Hey Nick, Wild-N-Out was a television show kid. Those were jokes (that I’m sure someone helped you write). This is way too serious for you. Just keep doing your PG-13 stuff (and that may even be a little too grown up for you). Really in all fairness, Em you should also fall back. This is an uneventful battle, considering there’s only one real emcee involved.



SORRY MARY J, THE CALL WAS DROPPED: There is no reason Mary J. needed to do that AT&T commercial! Why Mary, why? Please answer me (and the rest of your fans) that question. Mary, I just have two statements:

1. It had auto tune and there is no reason you should be using auto tune.
2. It had auto tune and there is no reason you should be using auto tune (yes, I needed to repeat myself because this is a FACT).

Mary, get at me (or someone) and explain what was really good with that AT&T commercial decision. Did you lose a bet Mary? No one I’ve talked to agrees with the commercial. Shoot, I may even cancel my AT&T plan based on that commercial. Fail.



WILL THE REAL BECKY CHANGE HER NAME: Yeah, Plies I’m nowhere near done with your ignorance. You’re an embarrassment to men over 30 with all that nonsense you are out here doing and saying. The song Becky is a tragedy. Rumor has it that you’re a registered nurse (which is cool) so come on dude, you’re educated – you should act as such! Why sell out your education and replace it with ignorance? For 15-minutes of fame? Fail! I hope you recorded that incoherent shit in a bathroom on a karaoke tape deck because it’s horrible and you shouldn’t have wasted anyone else’s time recording that nonsense. If there was a way to record garbage and then sell it to people as music, Plies you’ve successfully done it (successfully is a relative term). Can you in the future take the rocks out of your mouth when you’re rapping? That may make it easier for me to understand. Thanks.



MORATORIUM ON SPEAKING: Joe Jackson, you are not allowed to speak about anything, any longer ... in public or in the privacy of your own home. That is now law. I’m doing the people of the world a favor by asking for Joe Jackson to be silenced. Joe Jackson is just clearly an embarrassment and him being allowed to continue to speak just makes me mad, real mad … Joe Jackson (ha!). No seriously, that dude is not thinking when he starts to speak and this is clearly a problem. Please disallow him from speaking and doing any further interviews. Joe, silence is in your best interest because you aren’t helping yourself (or anyone else for that matter).



TEEN REALITY TELEVISION: So, why hasn’t MTV officially changed their name yet? They clearly are not Music Television anymore. Video killed the radio star and bad reality television killed the music video (and the rest of television)! The funny thing about MTV is that their spin-off-channels (both domestic and internationally) play more music than they do. I mean, if you’re not up at the crack of dawn you’re probably missing all videos for the day on MTV. So, with that said, what gives MTV the right to continue to host the MTV Video Music Awards anymore? What the hell do they even know about videos? The VMAs will probably be the first time they even see half of the videos. What they should be hosting instead is the “Bad Reality Television Awards”. Hmmm… they’re probably already brainstorming this in some smoke filled Viacom back office (allegedly).



JON & KATE PLUS SHUT THE F'UP: Who cares?! Who cares?! Who cares?! Well, I kind of care about all the cameras running around follow Jon and Kate’s kids. Oh, yeah, remember them?! Parent fail!! The paparazzi should kill themselves for all this extra coverage of this family, especially shots of the kids and then publishing them. Here is all you need to know, this dude Jon is a major douchebag (him and his Ed Hardy gear) and Kate is overbearing (for the most part). But really, who cares? Let’s cancel the show, protect the kids and let them try to grow up normally, especially since dealing with parent separation is hard enough without a camera crew documenting every step.



I'M RUNNING FOR STATE REP IN LOUISIANA: You’ve probably heard me say this again and again but it needed to be mentioned once more, in my opinion Shreveport Representative Barbara Norton is an embarrassment! She turned the Louisiana House of Reps into a PTA/City Council/Baptism honoring her God Son Hurricane Chris. The entire ten minutes were a complete waste of time!

I’m often dumbfounded by what music society decides to support and then see some extremely talented musicians go unnoticed. Sure they give out proclamations like candy, so no big deal I suppose Hurricane Chris would receive one, but what has he done for society? Norton claims that both Hurricane Chris and the song Halle Berry are positive? As she said, it’s not like he’s out there shooting and killing. This is true, but Hurricane Chris and his song Halle Berry are far from positive.

“She fine den a bitch / ass and her tits / thick in da hips / every nigga wanna call her Halle Berry…” Right, that’s real positive.

But Rep Barbara Norton is quick to defend her actions with, "We were stopping for just a minute saying we love Louisiana, this is our home. Just a minute or two it wasn't like we took 30-40 minutes, we're only talking about 2-3 minutes." Uh, no! How it went down: She spoke. That dude spoke. That dude performed (which was horrible). Most importantly, there was cake in the back. This was well over three minutes and it was a complete waste of time, especially since the House was preparing for recess. Ultimate fail.

Let’s remedy this problem – I’m running for her house seat! Norton clearly cannot handle power. She’s quick to throw national politicians under the bus, saying that they are cheating, embezzling and other shady things, in an effort to defend her actions. This is true but her actions offend me the most. My platform: “I’m the guy that wouldn’t have let Hurricane Chris perform when real work needed to be done!”


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Uh, another Chance at Love… for Real?

And here we go again.

What’s the expression again? That’s right … when it rain, it pours. That’s what I think of when I peep the horrible programming decisions on Vh1. You know, just when you think it’s bad, it gets worse.

The brothers of the Stallioniares are back to do it all over again, with 20 new women filling the stable, as the brothers attempt to find “love” again. Yes, I use the word love loosely in the contexts of a reality dating show.

But we knew a season 2 was coming. Seriously, how many of these Vh1 dating reality shows last one season? Well? Oh, I’ll wait. To me it just boils down to publicity and it’s just one big game show that puts the winner in a good place for future opportunities (enter Hoopz here – and I also use “good place” loosely).

Real Chance of Love 2 held casting calls throughout the month of March and word has it that they are currently in production on the second season. I can’t imagine Chance (who is a spazz and seems to have some anger management issues) or Real (who had better hair than all the ladies on the show and probably won’t date a chick with split ends) really being able to settle down. But this is television and we’ll witness more madness and crazy tasks for solo dates and more ridiculous nick names (i.e. Cornfed, MILF, Bay Bay Bay, Meatball, Rabbit and So Hood). Oh, the nicknames and how they reinforce a positive image for the ladies.

I have a big question for Vh1. No, it’s not whether or not they think reality-dating stars will truly find love, but whether Flavor Flav is catching royalties on all of these ridiculous shows. Well, is he? Think about it, they’ve pretty much run a copy/paste formula here since the first season of Flavor of Love aired. New York, who appeared on two seasons of Flavor of Love has had three spin off shows (I Love New York 1 & 2, New York Goes to Hollywood and now New York Goes to work). Real and Chance, members of I Love York season 1 then appeared on I Love Money and now they are in the second season of their spin off show. Then for the Love of Ray J and Rock of Love are basically mirror images of Flavor of Love. And who started with the dumb nicknames? That’s right, your boy, Flaaaaaaavooooooooor FLAVVVVVV!!!!!! So, hopefully he’s seeing some dividends from all the madness.

Here’s a few spin off suggestions:
In Danger of Love – Featuring home chick Danger from For the Love of Ray. Think about the crazy dudes they would cast for a show like this.
Entertainer Goes to Work – Cause, damn we know that dude needs a job stat.
And Then I Got Locked Up – Featuring Sapphire and her adventures on the run from the law while appearing on reality television.

I mean, if we’re out to make trash reality television shows, why not go all out. Right?

I wonder what the Vh1 Christmas parties look like with this like one degree of separation between all of the shows. Danger and Bay Bay Bay having a drink, while Ray J and Bret Michaels talk it up with Flavor Flav. Chance is jumping on a table somewhere cursing and smoking a pack of cigarettes, while Hoopz is working the pole. MILF is snitching to Cocktail about someones business but it’s not even the truth. New York is arguing with Tailor Made, and It is pretending to be stupid while Sapphire is dodging the police. The whole time, Real is just combing his hair.

It’s all just one giant tragedy.


Plus more reality madness:
The Road to Reality Television
Tailor Made & It - The Odd Couple
Rock Bottom with Daisy of Love
New York Goes to Work

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Hey, Vh1, fool me once... "I Want to Sell my Soul to Diddy"

"The unemployment rate may be at an all time high, but at least one person is hiring... Diddy."

And to get a job, all you need to do is sell your soul.

Auditions are being held Nationwide for "I Want to Work for Diddy 2" (You know, that show that's kind of like the ghetto Apprentice). According to a press release issued, "A batch of new hopefuls will once again be put through the rigors of what it takes to win one of the toughest, but most rewarding jobs in the business.”

What Vh1 should have done since they are all about recyling reality television shows, is put together a "celebrity" version with all of their reality show rejects. Kind of like the formula for Charm School and I Love Money. Then they could have battled it out for a job for Diddy. Shoot, they could have just merged New York Goes to Work with this.

But I know Vh1, you never let us down. Good stuff. Another quality programming decision. Can't wait to see another group of people shuck and jive for ol' P. Diddy. I keep saying, "remember when music channels played videos" but I guess I should also be saying, "remember when Bad Boy made records."

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TELL 'EM WHY YOU MAD: Don't Support Ignorant Ish

That Hurricane Chris "Halle Berry" is another instructional dance piece of garbage from a ring-tone-personal-trainer-rapper.

As a matter of fact, allow me to put all ring-tone-personal-trainer rappers on notice (yeah, this includes you Soulja Boy). Stop making shit and take pride in your craft. Folks have made the argument that this type of music is entertaining and for teens (yet I see adults blasting it on a regular basis). I’m still trying to figure out who approved the Stanky Leg.

Sure, make music for the teens but does it 1) have to sound like this 2) always include some horrible dance? Can’t we give our youth a little more? Yes, I know most heads like a catchy hook and a beat you can rock to, but those things don’t need to come without creativity and talent. Hey, let’s just do it this way… let’s stop calling these cats rappers and they should never be included in a sentence with the words “hip-hop”, unless you are saying that it’s the direct opposite. Give them their own category and perhaps then I won’t say anything (can’t promise though).


“Download”, the newest from Lil Kim featuring T-Pain and Charlie Wilson is yet another example of why you shouldn't make a track about social networking. "...He wanna download me on his floppy disk"? Hmm, it's like this track was released a decade too late. Uh, hey Kim they invented flash drives while you were locked up. Good to know that Lil Kim is up on her google, MySpace and Facebook-ing. By the way with all due respect, Lil Kim is like five plastic surgeries past pretty © @OCSupreme. Please don’t download this garbage.


This week Ciara put out an album circa 1986-1992 Janet Jackson. She's decided to re-hit the scene with a look like Beyonce and a sound like Janet Jackson. I suppose originality is out in 2009. I’m wrong? You might want to re-listen to that “Love, sex, and magic”, as an example of what I’m saying. Perhaps she should have a wardrobe malfunction and it might push more albums.


Speaking of wardrobe malfunctions, on Thursday morning pictures of Cassie breasts surfaced on the Internet (yeah, I looked). According to Cassie, "IT SEEMS THAT SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO MY COMPUTER...THAT'S REAL FOUL AND EVIL. NOW STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A TITTY BEFORE." Hacked her computer? What happened, she get hit with that conficker? Guess she wasn’t on a mac.

The truth is that we’ve seen many a celebrity nude before. Funny how celebrities never know how nude pictures and sex videos hit the surface, but boy do they seem to benefit from the extra publicity. With all due respect, publicity is a bitch and it seems like Cassie is all about it. Crazy haircut, check. Expose breast, check. Guess the home sex vid is next.

I think this was the internal convo… Cassie: How do I take the focus off Ciara's album? Answer: Email pics of breast from an anonymous source. Score: Cassie 1, Ciara 0.


We're losing thousands of jobs daily and what pops up on television? New York Goes to Work. They should have shelved this project indefinitely. Thanks again Vh1, you sure know how to churn out the winners. Viewers tune in weekly to see what type of job New York will do, and if she's successful with the gig she receives $10k. Talk about work grossly overpriced. Damn, she must have landed a gig at AIG with a bonus like that.

As music producer Nicolay put it on Twitter, "Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie did that shit eons ago and THAT already wasn't funny" (Damn, do you remember that show?) So, not only does Vh1 put on trash, they recycle. Good to know that they are running a green network.

Yeah I tuned in to bits and pieces of the first show (always looking for good blog material). The premier put New York in a position as an exterminator. Yes, definitely a tough gig for sure and not for everyone but in my opinion she failed overall at the task, yet they gave her the $10k anyway. Garbage! And to add insult to injury, if you want to vote on which job she'll do on each episode you can text in and cough over a $1 per text message. Pass.


Dear Networks: Don't report anymore about Bristol Palin or Levi. She’s not the only single moms out there w/ a baby daddy. And he damn sure ain’t the only dude with a little baby mama drama (raising my hand). They don’t need to be the spokesperson for shit and definitely not abstinence.


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