Iggy Azalea Uses Pu$$y in My World, But I'm Still on The Fence

Her track Pu$$y is what first caught my attention. Then the next track I heard lost it. And so, I sit on the fence about the 21-year-old Australian female rapper Iggy Azalea.

The Internets is buzzing and everyone is asking the same question, is she raps next sensation. I say later for the titles. Then immediately folks will draw the line between Kreayshawn and Iggy (probably because of their complexion). Nah, I won't do that either. Why? Because Iggy is better. By far. She's however riding that same wave of internet fame like Kreayshawn, racking up a gang of twitter followers and youtube hits, and creating a buzz online, almost forcing you to take notice.

In a track like Pu$$y, the beat is hypnotic and her flow brings this unique edge, creating a sound all her own. Not since Tyler, The Creator and my homie Rob Roy (and a handful of others) have I felt that uniqueness that I feel in Iggy's cadence. Sure, there are many rap folks whose music I enjoy but every so often I'm truly captivated by a sound.

But yet, here I am, still on that fence.

Justin Bieber: "Billy Jean is my lover but the kid ain't my son"

I work with a lot of women during the day job. So, with that comes overhearing random conversations on a range of topics (read: mostly gossip). This morning, Justin Bieber was their point of discussion. Three adult women talking about the Justin Bieber paternity thing had me feeling some type of way. But acknowledging the paternity discussion ultimately means I need to acknowledge that the youngster one step away from looking like Rachel Maddow has had sexual relationships with women. Which, I guess would make sense considering he looks like Rachel Maddow. Uh, allegedly of course.

Anyway, during the conversation someone said, "his good boy image is gone forever." Then I'm like, "it's a publicity stunt. He's trying to become a rapper now."

Ride with me for a second.

Amy Winehouse "Love is a Losing Game" (Acoustic Version)

Damn, Amy Winehouse, dead at 27. 

It's odd that I was just talking about her a few days ago. I found myself listening to a gang of her music randomly and out of the blue. I wondered as I listened to her soultry voice, what if she had gone to rehab instead of saying no, making a hit song about it and winning many awards because of it. I guess we'll never know. It's almost like her career was a bird that started to fly but just didn't get enough air under those wings. In a stalemate the last few years, a lot can be said about her life and death. But I won't linger there. I won't speculate. I won't blame or point fingers. What I'll do is sit back and enjoy the music she made, and allow it to continue to speak for her like it always has. Rest in Power Amy Winehouse.

Back to black ...



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Um, Yeah ... Matt Clarke "Good Vibrations" (Yes, it's a Marky Mark Cover)

"With all due respect, Marky Mark you can't touch this beat."

So, if you follow me on twitter, you caught my early morning rant about this Matt Clarke "Good Vibration" track. The rant started with how the email arrived boosting:

1) "His Youtube channel has amassed over 45,000 views."
2) "His Facebook page has over 1,600 fans."

Truth be told, neither number means much to me. I once had a video that got 20,000 youtube hits and a twitter page with over 3300 followers. My youtube page is gone and my twitter page is frozen. See, numbers don't mean shit. Real support does. I would normally delete an email talking numbers of any type. Why? Because just like an email telling me how many other blogs posted your track, I don't care.

Seriously, I don't.

Let me rephrase, I don't give a fuck.

Folks that send these "I love your blog" group emails obviously don't realize I'm not a copy/paste kind of dude that posts what's popular elsewhere. I say that to say, I don't care about where you've been posted, what your numbers look like and how many friends on facebook support you. To me, it's irrelevant when judging your music. Rude? Nah, reality. (Oh, by the way, someone please introduce rappers and so called publicists to BCC. Seriously).

Anyway, Matt's email landed in my inbox. And so I hit play, because every now and again after mass deleting, I'm curious about certain things I'd normally delete. The track, it's alright. You be the judge. I will say that the only thing memorable about it is the Marky Mark sample, which was memorable when it first came out. So, no win there. There were a few twitter references and a Paul Pierce punchline but outside of that, nothing special. But I am curious to hear what Matt can do without a popular and well known track as his foundation. I'm not going to search however.

So, even with all of this, I'm posting this track. I guess that's a win for Matt and his camp, because any publicity is still publicity. Right? So, I guess he got that. But I'm kind of sorry Matt that you had to be collateral damage in my rant, when you were just trying to share your music. Or maybe I'm not. Good luck with your music though.

Yeah, I know I'm an asshole. I've come to terms with it. Ha!

Check out "Good Vibrations."



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My Thoughts on Jay-Z and Kanye Going H.A.M.

I'm only posting this track because I'm confused by this track.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know what you're thinking, "but Q, it goes hard in the club." You know what I say to those people? You spend TOO MUCH TIME IN THE CLUB!

Sure, there's some crazy quotables from Jay and Kanye on this track. Sure it gets me excited for the Watch The Throne project but you can't deny that this track is messy. And I think it's with the Lex Luger beat. It just doesn't match the track. Jay and Kanye's energy goes one way and the beat goes the other. The best part of the beat is the piano riff and Opera like singing at the tail end. I know I can't be the only person that thinks the vocals and beat don't match on this jawn. Maybe I'm wrong. Am I?

I'm posting for your feedback. Hit up the comment section and if all you have to say is "this n-gga Q is a hater" you've already lost the argument. Ha!

ps: Who approved the beveled old english font on the cover? Really? Looks like some Dan Gilbert Comic Sans type shit.

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The 10 Biggest Pop Culture Fails of 2010

I unleashed my Top 10 Biggest Pop Culture Fails of 2010 list over at tumblr earlier today, dropping a few of my selections each hour. Unlike last year, the list isn't rated and probably provides just a small snapshot in the world of pop culture events. In any event, enjoy the full list after the jump.

Dear Rappers: Six Foot Seven Foot Eight Foot Done!

Dear Rappers,

Let me start this off with, I feel where you are coming from. When a hot beat drops, you're just dying to jump on it. You hear your own ideas for the track. You imagine your flow over the beat. I get it. But as a blogger, I'd appreciate a little bit of originality. Think about this for a moment if you will, popular song comes out. The beat is hot. You think about using it. And while you're thinking, a million other rappers are ALSO thinking about using it too. At which point, you should move on to your next idea. But many of ya'll don't.

What's wack though, not only do some of ya'll jack beats to popular tracks, you switch up your flow to match the original. Oh. Okay. You do impersonations now too? That's cool. My thing is, if you wanna rock over a beat, try to use one that not everyone is using. If it's a popular single, chances are EVERYONE has already thought the same thing you are thinking: "Freestyle over the beat and blast it to the blogs. It's gonna be a movie!"

Wrong.

I know what you're probably saying: "my shit goes harder and I killed this beat more than anyone else." Oh. Okay. Yeah, that's cool and may very well be the case but when everyone is using the same beat, your shit gets lost in the sauce. I really can't say this enough.

Oh and another quick point, stop calling said tracks "freestyles" when in fact you've written down your verse. That's also lame.

But this is all old news though, because many of ya'll have heard me rant on this subject before. My current frustration comes from the new Lil Wayne track, 6 Foot 7 Foot. Much like Lil Wayne's hit, A Milli,  a lot of you are jumping all over this joint. I'll be honest, that beat goes hard. It's fresh. I dig it. But there are a few fails involved with this latest "freestyle frenzy"; besides the obvious EVERY ONE AND THEIR MOM IS DOING IT. The fail comes in the title of the track. For the record, it's 6 Foot 7 Foot (6'7'). I thought that was obvious considering it's in the chorus. But it's that tricky symbol that are fucking up a lot of you rap cats, your managers and your PR team too. Even the original artwork for the track was wrong, so I guess I can't fault you. Or I can.

Via @OCSupreme "Like I said, the world will die in the corner wearing a fucking dunce cap."

FYI: "The symbol for feet is a single apostrophe ('). The symbol for inches is a set of 2 apostrophes (")." Not sure what grade you learn that but you can always google for a refresher.

However, no matter how many times it's been stated, folks continue to use 6'7" in their artwork and the title of the track. Shit, even XM radio fucked it up (see pic above). I mean, if you're going to continue to flood the Internets with your "freestyle" at least get the title right. But go ahead and please continue with your 6 foot 7 inches freestyle. And then wonder why your career comes up short.

I'm just saying.

I'm sure, somewhere one (or more) of ya'll are shaking your head and mumbling, "this n-gga think he's somebody. What a hater." But that's a conversation for another day.

Peace,

ThroatChopU

PS: Remember, real G's move in silent like Lasagna (if you like to mispronounce things, that is).

Throat Chop Session: Your Music Is Cool But Your Formatting SUCKS!

I took to twitter earlier today in a few different music inspired rants. The first about the quality of mainstream and underground music, in addition to the variety.

The second about how folks are presenting their music.

I once had a conversation with someone about artwork and pictures as it pertained to their music. Their response was simply, "I do it for the music." What folks fail to realize is that the music is much bigger than the music. It's about the package. It's about the artwork (so, the pics with the timestamp in the corner in a dark room, yeah, not so much for your promo shit!). It's ultimately about how you present it and yourself.

It can be about the music when you're just sharing it with your friends. But once you start trying to blast it to the world wide web, the music is bigger than just the music. Ya dig?!

You know one of the biggest failures with some folks pushing their music? Their inability to tag/format their music properly for download. It's my hobby job to listen (well, job is something you get paid for but you know what I mean, lol). It's the artist's job to make that shit easy for me (and others). Fuck am I searching in my iTunes for their music for?

Why are the tracks out of order? Where's the artwork? Why are things named "Track 01" or "Track 01 - Name of Artists - Name of song."? That looks unprofessional. Honestly, if you're an artist and you don't know what you're doing, ask someone. It makes it look like you don't care otherwise. And if you don't care about your music, don't expect anyone else to.

Bottom line, format that  shit or don't send it out! I REPEAT, FORMAT OR DON'T SEND!

I'm just being honest. I once had a project I had to search for track by track (okay, more than once but anyway). Then I had to tag and add the artwork myself. What is this a take home test? Gtfoh with that bullshit. Why am I doing all of that? I'm a fan, not an employee.

And if you make music and you think I'm being an asshole, you're too sensitive. Because if your project isn't formatted correctly, folks WONT see your vision because the tracks are out of order. Who's the asshole now?

I bet after all of this, there's some angry rapper sitting somewhere mumbling, "damn that n*gga fucked up."

Look in the mirror and say it again.

Thank me later! (#noDrake)

Peace,
-q


ps: I didn't even mention WAV, Mp3, Mp4 and all that. You know that's an issue too! Ask about it. lol

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Throat Chop Session: Jersey Shore x NYSE? FOH!

Sure, ringing the opening bell on the New York Stock Exchange is simply a ceremonial thing, with athletes, actors, musicians and others taking part in the ringing (if you will) over the years. I get it.

But the cast of Jersey Shore? WTF?! Do they even know what the NYSE is? I doubt it. They (and their producers) have already failed geography, since for some odd reason they think Miami is a part of the Jersey Shore (name fail 101).

Reality TV makes me sick because it creates these self proclaimed stars whose claim to fame is nothing more than making a jackass out of themselves on television. Looking like fools lands them clothing lines, club appearances among other things. Can't knock the hustle BUT reality television has watered down the definition of "celebrity." Jersey Shore is among the bottom of the barrel in reality television and with a second season on the way, it will ONLY get worse!

Eff this show and throat chop this Jersey Shore shit!


Snookie is popular for talking shit and NEVER being able to back it up and the Situation is the textbook definition of douchebag. These fuck faces are walking stereotypes. On the bright side, at least it's not black folks (read: all of BET's reality based programming).

It's still sad shit.

Oh well, I can't wait for Mel Gibson to ring the NYSE bell. I bet they'll have to blow him first OR it will be the rose garden for them if not.


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The Throat Chop Session: Shyne is the Last Real What Alive?! FOH!

Hey Shyne, Fidel called and he wants his cigar and the entire Cuban military uniform back. Oh and XXL, Hip-Hop called and said eff yo couch; you ain't doing shit on a higher level. The last couple of covers have been a rapid decline for XXL (and I'm being generous by ONLY saying the last couple). But you wanna know the the quickest route to irrelevancy? You feature irrelevant people. Kat Stacks' (I won't even mention Waka) name appears on the cover of XXL under the header "The Real Street Issue"? FOH!

I honestly hope this is just some photoshop crazed fool who had a picture of Shyne, XXL's masthead and a little bit of free time on their hands because this cover screams fuckery, right up to the headline, "Last Real Rapper Alive." Wait, this is still a picture of Shyne on the cover right? Is this a misprint? Should this have read, "The Last Real Wrapper Alive"? Shyne went to jail and came out and sounded like shit. His post-jail music has been horrible YET folks keep posting it up (it's arguable that his pre-jail music was shit too). His best verse was probably the telephone recorded verse on Usher's "Confession Remix" and that's sad. This dude is now on the cover on a magazine talking about what? And who even cares. There's a gang of folks putting out quality music yet XXL is entertaining this shit? Wow.

There's no way in hell that Shyne is the last real anything alive. I stand by that statement.

Eff all that!


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The Formula: Pop Rap Crap (Video)

I did this video 7 months ago clowning what I call the pop rap crap formula. This is the video that also created Yung Lil Bullshit. At the end of the day, support real music, please.



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Go Ahead and Charge this to the Game!

Editor's Note: I wrote this back in February. Someone said "charge it to the game" a few days ago and reminded me of this. I felt the need to repost. Enjoy.

There I was standing in an aisle at the grocery store trying to figure out which vanilla extract to get (sidebar: yeah, don’t get the imitation or your ass might be going back to the store).

Then the guy next to me said, “damn, prices keep going up.”

I nodded my head in agreement and offered, “yeah, it’s crazy.”

He replied with, “I guess you have to do what you gotta do *sigh* I’ll just get this and go ahead and charge it to the Game.”

He walked away and I stood there puzzled. His last statement made me wonder, who was he and what gave him the authority to charge some piecrust to the Game?

As a matter of fact, who the eff is the “Game” and why are so many people charging things to it?

I know it’s not Game the rapper.

As my mind wandered, I wondered many other things about this mysterious Game. How good is the Game’s credit? What type of credit limit does the Game have? Who the hell pays the Game’s balance due? And how the hell do you get the authority to charge things to it? Is there a credit check? Probably not, because waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many black folks charge things to the Game and you know their credit scores are (insert the rest of stereotype here). Perhaps the Game offers those pre-paid Rush Card that you deposit money into (or street cred or some other form of currency). I don't know.

Well, according to Urban Dictionary, “Charge it to the Game” is a phrase that means: “a life learned lesson; an expression used by a person when that person does not feel accountable for a certain chain of events or there is nothing one can do about a certain situation; When something doesn't go the way you want it to or you do something wrong, and there is nothing you can do to change it.”

But what does Urban Dictionary really know.

You know with everyone over charging things to the Game, I’m surprised Obama hasn’t dug into his Negro dialect bag of tricks and said, “Damn, this deficit is kicking our ass. Biden, go ahead and charge this to the Game!” Or maybe he has. Or maybe Biden has. Yeah, Biden probably has.

"Mr. President, the Game is a big fucking deal!"

Yeah, I can see that.

You know what? I’m going to start abusing my charging power to the Game too.

I’m going out Saturday night, buying out the bar and when the tab comes, I’m charging it to the Game. And when I go to jail for that shit, I’m charging my bail to the Game too. And my defense attorney, he’ll be charged to the Game as well. It will be one hell of a Game charging frenzy. I might even charge a nice suit to wear to court to the Game.

Sometimes I do feel bad for the Game though. Why? Because the Game is probably some old white man with an AMEX Black Card pissed with all this identity fraud. He’s probably looking at his card statement right now like, “who the hell charged getting caught cheating on my card?! Dfasdfkdaflekasfdhek.”

Or perhaps the Game isn’t a person at all but yet another overused bit of language corrupted by its mainstream use, causing it to have lost its initial meaning.

Nah, that can’t be it.

Either way, go ahead and charge this post to the Game and throw in a charge for yourself too and get something nice.

PS: if you didn’t sense the sarcasm, throat chop yourself for good measure. Thanks, Management

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When She Speaks, You Listen: @ladyblogga "Deal or No Deal"

Who needs a record deal nowadays? Do artists enjoy having to compromise their creativity for a ‘target” audience? Do we really need the industry to peddle and crank out mainstream junk tunes that nobody wants to hear? Nope. We sure don’t. In this day and age with the internet and a worldwide audience at our fingertips, artists do not need to acquire a record deal at all. With the right networking moves and a daily grind, artists can get their music made and sold all on their own. There is really no immediate need for record companies. They are good for financial co-signing. We all know that if you package crap nicely, people will buy it and even like it. Look at Soulja Boy. Not a lick of talent but he had a record company behind him who packaged him to a target audience and his talentless ass sold millions of records. It makes no sense.

Artists can do the same thing using the internet and their will to “make it”. If you have thousands of followers on Twitter, there is no reason why you can’t package and sell your product to your followers to start the buzz and make money. Joell Ortiz is living proof that record company people are shaaadyyy. If he put out his own CD, he could charge $5 bucks a download for each of his thirty-five thousand followers. That is a lot of money for something he is good at and loves. Artists can actually make a good amount of money doing this. The money won’t be industry money though. You won’t be able to borrow and rent houses, cars and jewelry like the other rappers do. But at least you will have your cash up front minus the BS, contracts and red-tape. You will still have your dignity because you won’t have to conform to an industry image. And your project will come out just how you like it because your creativity wasn’t compromised to fit an industry mold.

Personally I think this is the way to go. I mean you won’t be making millions of “industry dollars” and your CD won’t contain a 25 page CD leaflet but your music will be what your fans really want to hear. These artists don’t understand that if they did their own thing, they could put these companies out of business. The internet is bringing the music industry to a whole ‘nother level and people need to start taking advantage.

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When She Speaks, You Listen: @LadyBlogga on Groupie Love…

Editor's Note: Hoes will be hoes and giving them attention is what gets them book deals, reality television shows and "fame", so I opted NOT to include this chicks name on our blog, even though most people know who is being talked about in this piece (especially since her pic is below). But I wanted Tha Lady Blogga to let this chick know what she was/is doing wasn't anything special, nor was it anything to be proud of. Young girls looking to this chick as a role model need their fathers in their lives (and a throatchop). If you're a dad, hug your daughters and threaten their lives if they have any intentions of EVER doing any hoe shit like this (even if they're only 2 weeks old). PS: Damn, this chick has the most annoying voice EVER and needs to open her eyes (literally).


You see… There is always someone to prove me right. There is nothing like a groupie scorned. This [we'll call her Kitten] chick is that girl I try to warn y’all about. Groupies are nothing but a problem. People say “let them live” but seriously, she is that ass pimple that just won’t go away.

Sleeping with people and then putting their information on blast is the biggest hoe come up in the book. And people are letting her do it! She didn’t even sleep with anybody worth mentioning. Young Money?? Really? Bow-Wow? PLEASEEEEEE! I mean if it wasn’t Drake, who gives a fuck? And Lil Wayne? We already know that if it’s a damp hole he’ll stick it, so that doesn’t really say much either.

Her videos and tweets give you the story. She is that not so smart girl who could do nothing else but sling crotch for a living. And not even well enough to get a ride home from the dudes she was screwing. They sent her home in a CAB!! LMAO Not only is she stupid but so are the few thousand bird followers that are supporting her. Young women everywhere are following her and listening to her every word. I swear, she is the one thing society did not need right now. Kitten, what kind of woman are you that you would exploit yourself and other people’s personal lives like this? I wonder if she’s mad because they mistreated her in some kind of way. Perhaps they didn’t give her the money she asked for or those front row concert tickets she requested. She chose to sleep with these men. That alone should void anything she says. They didn’t force themselves on her or anything. People paying sooo much attention to “Tales of a Groupie” is just ridiculous. She’s giving up information like where people live, phone numbers, dick size, longevity… And for what?? Because she’s a broke bitch lookin’ for a dollar? This is a dangerous game she’s playing. And she’s lucky that none of these dudes have a wife or girlfriend like me. Seriously, not only would my significant other catch a bad one but she would too.

Now y’all know that I don’t condone violence but when it is in my backyard, anything goes.

She is setting a horrible example for young women, like herself, that have low self-esteem. She is showing them that negative attention is good attention and it’s not.

Ultimately though, who’s to blame here?? The men. They had to have seen that she was a piece of work. Her voice alone should have been a turn-off. But all they see is free puss and an opportunity to get one off right quick. Some men have no ability to make a mindful decision when their penis is erect. It is a sad but true reality I am learning quick and fast. But one better, there’s still some dudes out there that will allow their penis to find their way in between her legs even after all of this. #MANFail!

But in the meantime, Kitten, you need to sit back and take a good look at your life and the crap you created. Since you are so entwined in the rap game right now, perhaps my friends from Brand Nubian can help you put things in perspective...





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When She Speaks, You Listen: @ladyblogga "Side bitches ... smdh!"

My short writing hiatus was halted by the news of yet another greedy man, his lack of dick control and his sidebitch invading the life of an incredibly successful woman. Jesse James, the reality show 5 minute famer, biker husband of Oscar winner Sandra Bullock, ALLEGEDLY had an affair with a tattoo model by the name of Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. I say allegedly because McGee told “In Touch” Magazine that their 11month affair (with sex in the garage three times a day) started while Sandra was away filming “Blind Side” which she won her Oscar for. Ms. McGee alleges that Mr. James contacted her via MySpace (Internet cheating… I keep trying to tell y’all) and their affair then began. She claims he told her that he was separated but learned differently as she watched the Oscars and heard Sandra’s acceptance speech. So she got mad because now she learns that he is married and contacts the tabloids to blow him up.

Really Jesse James?? You are a Z-List reality show celebrity with an A-List Oscar winning wife and you are trouncing around with a blabbermouth tattoo/fetish model? And you pick a chick who can’t even keep her mouth shut? As soon as she found out you were still married, she ran to the tabloids for money. But wait, weren’t you married to a porn star? (O_o) Looks like old habits never die. The clean cut, all American women are just too much for Mr. James to handle.

With all the Oscar buzz and hype, the pre-Oscar interview is something I like to watch. I watched Sandra Bullock’s interview and I was actually impressed by some of the things she was saying. She spoke highly of her husband and soul mate. She spoke of the love they shared and what made them a special couple. I was like “Awwwwwwww” that is soooo sweet. Clearly she was on a completely different page because as she was showing love to her husband, he was showing love to someone else. If this is in fact true, she joins a list of actresses whose marriages failed after winning an Oscar. Hillary Swank, Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts and recently added to the bunch, Kate Winslet. What’s the matter fellas, you can’t handle a hard-working successful woman?


The ability to control one’s penis seems to be a losing battle. I can’t stress this enough fellas… If you are unhappy in your relationship/marriage… Whatever, Dammit just leave. Get the fuck on. Scat. Scoot. Whether it’s about sex, creative differences, attention or whatever, take your ungrateful ass and get to steppin’. Word. And the women, the slores that involve themselves in these situations, need to double up on their self-esteem in the morning. A married man, whether he is pursuing you or not, is off limits. Period. As a woman, you can make that call. And if he tells you he’s separated, chances are he’s not. OPEN YOUR EYES BITCHES. If you can’t come to the house, if he’s only texting you, calling you at odd hours of the night/morning, Facebook chat and Twitter convo is through the roof… Chances are he’s involved.

There are some women who feel better about themselves if they feel a man is “separated”. Bitch, that only means you are eating my leftovers that either I don’t want or does not feel wanted so… If that’s the kind of man you wish to settle for, you can have him. I applaud Sandra for her no nonsense, packin’ my shit and leave attitude. There’s nothing to talk about. She was out working her ass off for money because lord knows his Reality Show ass makes none, and he’s out slingin’ his dick… Really? We all know that men say what they have to say to get themselves out of their rut. So no conversation is better. BUH BYE.

To date, Sandra has cancelled her movie promo in Europe, which is going to cost her money, so that she can address this nonsense with her husband. That alone deserves a beatdown. Not only was this man whoring around but now he’s messing with her career and money? Over some ass? Men, I’m gonna need y’all to get it together. WORD.


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When She Speaks, You Listen: @LadyBlogga "Valentine Schmalentine"

(Click to view bigger.)

Valentine Schmalentine…

So it is February 14th… Better known to most people as Valentine’s Day. People scramble around spending countless dollars on gifts and what not. For one day, people feel all lovey dovey and connected to somebody...anybody. Folks, this is a pagan holiday. SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

If you are in a relationship then Valentine’s Day should be like just any other day. Perhaps go to dinner or spend the day together at the spa but as far as going bananas and crazy with it, NO BUENO. In a relationship, you and your significant other should always feel connected. There should always be a feeling of Love and Happiness *cues Al Green*. There should always be a spontaneous desire to surprise and please your significant other sexually and with material items. Leave a card in her purse. Put a love note in his pocket. Cook his favorite meal in lingerie. Plan a weekend getaway. Play scrabble ;) It’s the little things like that that trump any Valentine’s Day anything. It shouldn’t take one day out of the year for you to want to shower this person with love and gifts and then act like an ass for the other 364.

Valentine’s Day is a joke. People who cheat, lie and deceive get credit for behaving like gentlemen/women on this day. You lie for 364 but decide to be nice today… All the bad things that you did go away on this day. The asshole becomes the sweetheart on this day because he came with flowers. The bitch becomes a saint because she offers good head on this day.

Really?

And I applaud all you broke people who skipped out on a bill payment to buy someone a gift. Spending within your means is sooooo necessary. If your girl has a diamond necklace but y’all can’t watch cable because you didn’t pay the bill, you are an idiot. It really isn’t that serious.

Oh and last but not least… Where my SideBitches at??? What does Valentine’s Day mean to you? Since you have no place in life, I think this day was created to make people like you feel special, give you a purpose. Do you guys even get presents today? Or is it strictly hard dick and bubble gum the day before or after? And the men that have to make time for multiple women, how does that work? This day was created for assholes like you who partake in fuckery during the year but feel better because you bought your wife/girlfriend a big gift. The bigger the gift, the badder the fuckery. That’s my mantra.



(As I typed the above paragraph, Jungle Fever is playing in the background)

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I bring you my favorite Valentine’s Day song “Caught Out There” by Kelis… Those of you that have called me know this tune well….

Kelis - Caught Out There

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