When She Speaks, You Listen: The Lady Blogga "Something Stinks… Oh, It’s Just the Jersey Shore"

(Photo courtesy of MTV)
Driving across the bridge and into New Jersey yields a horrid smell. Well I was nowhere near there last night and managed to get the same effect. All from a TV show. For the first time, I sat down and watched the MTV masterpiece “The Jersey Shore”.. I have to say, I watched in awe…

Never in my life have I ever been proud to NOT see minorities on a TV show. Actually that is a lie. There is an African American on the show and he is the cast members’ boss, the irony, and they have to report to him. LMAO, sorry...

Anyway. Let me just start by saying that if I was Italian, I would be hella pissed. The Jersey Shore is nothing but an hour long stereotypical depiction of Italian Americans. I am trying to figure out why MTV would even air such a thing in the first place. The characters alone are annoying as hell. They are 8 Italian American strangers put in a house with a big giant Italian flag on the garage and a 'gynormous' Scarface poster on the wall. Let’s not forget the tacky leopard thing on the wall too.

So we have Angelina, J-Woww, Mike, Snooki, Pauly D, Ronnie, Sammi and Vinni. Staten Island, Frankiln Square and the Bronx are where some of these people reside and if you’ve been there, you already know what it is. These folks play into all of the stereotypes… “Affliction” glitter shirts, gelled up hair, pumped-up bodies (I actually appreciated that part...don’t judge me), long acrylic nails, fake tans, obnoxious tones, the whole bit. It’s amazing because while everyone else thinks the show sucks, those who live this kind of lifestyle probably thinks it’s the best thing since candy.

The women on this show are super-de-duper obnoxious. Snooki needs a muzzle. She doesn’t shut up for a second. Angelina is an attention whore who leaves the house because of her married boyfriend. J-Woww and her tattered blond streaks is a dirty party girl who cheats on her boyfriend (and I can call her dirty because she was wearing the T-Shirt). Sammi is a closet freak, or so it appears. The fellas are surprisingly not so bad. The only real male irritation is Mike...he uses the word “situation’ more than he blinks his eyes. I can list their vocabulary on a gum wrapper citing the words “Yo”, “Situation”, “ova here” multiple times.

Now although I swore not to watch this garbage ever again, next week, a NYC gym teacher commits an assault on one of the characters. Snooki gets man-punched in the face something terrible. It was not a punch, she gets SNUFFED!!! Now I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that a teacher created such a crime or that MTV aired it after the fact. I am slowly but surely thinking that MTV is becoming the white counterpart of BET. The crap that they have been putting on the air is not even quality. It is hot garbage! They should have just stuck to music.

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J. Anthony Brown - Blame It On The Jackass, Ya'll!

Caught this song on the only radio station in CT that I listen to during Tom Joyner's Morning Show on WYBC 94.3, which claims to play the best in Old School and R&B and they rarely disappoint me. Comedian J. Anthony Brown every Friday murders the hits and this time was no different. The events that happened at the VMAs gave him enough ammunition to hilariously spoof Jaime Foxx's hit "Blame It", auto-tuned and all. Check it out. It's pretty funny.



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Aaliyah ... 8 Years Later

Man, I remember exactly where I was when I got the news that Aaliyah died. I was laying on the couch in my mother’s house and my two way pager (yes, the Motorola two-way, which I guess was the original text messaging) went off. I was getting a news alert about Aaliyah. The message said that the young singer was involved in a plane crash. I was shocked. I immediately turned to MTV (back when MTV actually talked about music more regularly) and surely they were reporting her tragic death. I flipped over to BET and watched AJ and Free (yep, back when 106 & Park was decent) talk about Aaliyah, with different people calling in to talk about how they felt. It was sad. She has another young artist cut down during a rise. At the time I was publishing a small entertainment newsletter, so I started working on a piece, as my phone and pager went off for the next few hours with people calling to ask me if I had heard the news.

I still can’t believe it eight years later. We’ll never really know her full potential as an artist or what her overall contribution to music would have been. Over the last few weeks I’ve discussed with folks online what things would be like in music had Aaliyah not died in that plane crash. I don’t necessarily think that the landscape of female artists would have changed much, but perhaps Aaliyah would have just been a dominating force on the scene. What do you think?

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TELL 'EM WHY YOU MAD: Just Because I Am!

It’s been a while since I’ve vented but it’s well overdue. Let me tell you why I’m mad …

A REAL CHANCE AT IGNORANCE: When will we learn that there will never be love found on a reality dating television show? Oh, right we’ve already figured that out and now it’s just about exposure and entertainment. The brothers of the Stallionaires are back and they’ve brought (in addition to their personal antics and poor taste in clothes) many ghetto girls with them. Where do they even find these women – strip clubs? Are they wannabe models? Some of them may even be out on work release. I wonder if the casting call notice reads: “women with common sense, dignity and self esteem need not apply.” These women (after one episode) are an embarrassment to all the real women in the world. I often laugh when these shows start with their “naming ceremony”, which is straight fuckery and the final stripping of personal identity and dignity (whatever may be left) from the contestants (for the lack of a better term) on the show.

“Hmm… you look real tasty, imma call you Biscuit.”

Girl: “Thank you boo…”

“You walk like a mountain lion, I’m going to calling you Forest.”

Girl: “Ohhhh my goodness… I like that”

“You look like a traffic light with all that body, I’m gonna call you Yield Sign.”

Girl: “Imma yield sign all over you all night long baby.”

It’s also very interesting (and entertaining) to listen to Real and Chance narrating the show. They sound like Bill and Ted, speaking in Ryan Leslie’s Gibberish lyrics. Thanks Chance for making up your own words. These brothers are straight fools (literally) and ignant (yes, ignant) at that. Rumor has it, if this season doesn’t work out, Real’s hair is going to have a spin off series of it’s own. Because as we know, the only chick on the show with class and self-esteem is that mane that Real calls his hair.



NICK + MARIAH + EM = WAKE ME WHEN THIS BS IS OVER: It’s like watching a pitbull fight the Taco Bell dog (RIP Taco Bell dog … lol). Nick Cannon has nothing in his arsenal that could ever compare to Em’s lyrics. It would be a waste of time for Nick to go into the studio to record a comeback track. Maybe he’ll just write another 12-page-letter instead that no one can read in its entirety or digest ever (remember that blog entry he wrote after the first track and before Mariah released the Obsessed video? Can you say loooooong winded?!) Hey Nick, Wild-N-Out was a television show kid. Those were jokes (that I’m sure someone helped you write). This is way too serious for you. Just keep doing your PG-13 stuff (and that may even be a little too grown up for you). Really in all fairness, Em you should also fall back. This is an uneventful battle, considering there’s only one real emcee involved.



SORRY MARY J, THE CALL WAS DROPPED: There is no reason Mary J. needed to do that AT&T commercial! Why Mary, why? Please answer me (and the rest of your fans) that question. Mary, I just have two statements:

1. It had auto tune and there is no reason you should be using auto tune.
2. It had auto tune and there is no reason you should be using auto tune (yes, I needed to repeat myself because this is a FACT).

Mary, get at me (or someone) and explain what was really good with that AT&T commercial decision. Did you lose a bet Mary? No one I’ve talked to agrees with the commercial. Shoot, I may even cancel my AT&T plan based on that commercial. Fail.



WILL THE REAL BECKY CHANGE HER NAME: Yeah, Plies I’m nowhere near done with your ignorance. You’re an embarrassment to men over 30 with all that nonsense you are out here doing and saying. The song Becky is a tragedy. Rumor has it that you’re a registered nurse (which is cool) so come on dude, you’re educated – you should act as such! Why sell out your education and replace it with ignorance? For 15-minutes of fame? Fail! I hope you recorded that incoherent shit in a bathroom on a karaoke tape deck because it’s horrible and you shouldn’t have wasted anyone else’s time recording that nonsense. If there was a way to record garbage and then sell it to people as music, Plies you’ve successfully done it (successfully is a relative term). Can you in the future take the rocks out of your mouth when you’re rapping? That may make it easier for me to understand. Thanks.



MORATORIUM ON SPEAKING: Joe Jackson, you are not allowed to speak about anything, any longer ... in public or in the privacy of your own home. That is now law. I’m doing the people of the world a favor by asking for Joe Jackson to be silenced. Joe Jackson is just clearly an embarrassment and him being allowed to continue to speak just makes me mad, real mad … Joe Jackson (ha!). No seriously, that dude is not thinking when he starts to speak and this is clearly a problem. Please disallow him from speaking and doing any further interviews. Joe, silence is in your best interest because you aren’t helping yourself (or anyone else for that matter).



TEEN REALITY TELEVISION: So, why hasn’t MTV officially changed their name yet? They clearly are not Music Television anymore. Video killed the radio star and bad reality television killed the music video (and the rest of television)! The funny thing about MTV is that their spin-off-channels (both domestic and internationally) play more music than they do. I mean, if you’re not up at the crack of dawn you’re probably missing all videos for the day on MTV. So, with that said, what gives MTV the right to continue to host the MTV Video Music Awards anymore? What the hell do they even know about videos? The VMAs will probably be the first time they even see half of the videos. What they should be hosting instead is the “Bad Reality Television Awards”. Hmmm… they’re probably already brainstorming this in some smoke filled Viacom back office (allegedly).



JON & KATE PLUS SHUT THE F'UP: Who cares?! Who cares?! Who cares?! Well, I kind of care about all the cameras running around follow Jon and Kate’s kids. Oh, yeah, remember them?! Parent fail!! The paparazzi should kill themselves for all this extra coverage of this family, especially shots of the kids and then publishing them. Here is all you need to know, this dude Jon is a major douchebag (him and his Ed Hardy gear) and Kate is overbearing (for the most part). But really, who cares? Let’s cancel the show, protect the kids and let them try to grow up normally, especially since dealing with parent separation is hard enough without a camera crew documenting every step.



I'M RUNNING FOR STATE REP IN LOUISIANA: You’ve probably heard me say this again and again but it needed to be mentioned once more, in my opinion Shreveport Representative Barbara Norton is an embarrassment! She turned the Louisiana House of Reps into a PTA/City Council/Baptism honoring her God Son Hurricane Chris. The entire ten minutes were a complete waste of time!

I’m often dumbfounded by what music society decides to support and then see some extremely talented musicians go unnoticed. Sure they give out proclamations like candy, so no big deal I suppose Hurricane Chris would receive one, but what has he done for society? Norton claims that both Hurricane Chris and the song Halle Berry are positive? As she said, it’s not like he’s out there shooting and killing. This is true, but Hurricane Chris and his song Halle Berry are far from positive.

“She fine den a bitch / ass and her tits / thick in da hips / every nigga wanna call her Halle Berry…” Right, that’s real positive.

But Rep Barbara Norton is quick to defend her actions with, "We were stopping for just a minute saying we love Louisiana, this is our home. Just a minute or two it wasn't like we took 30-40 minutes, we're only talking about 2-3 minutes." Uh, no! How it went down: She spoke. That dude spoke. That dude performed (which was horrible). Most importantly, there was cake in the back. This was well over three minutes and it was a complete waste of time, especially since the House was preparing for recess. Ultimate fail.

Let’s remedy this problem – I’m running for her house seat! Norton clearly cannot handle power. She’s quick to throw national politicians under the bus, saying that they are cheating, embezzling and other shady things, in an effort to defend her actions. This is true but her actions offend me the most. My platform: “I’m the guy that wouldn’t have let Hurricane Chris perform when real work needed to be done!”


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