“Hmm… you look real tasty, imma call you Biscuit.”
Girl: “Thank you boo…”
“You walk like a mountain lion, I’m going to calling you Forest.”
Girl: “Ohhhh my goodness… I like that”
“You look like a traffic light with all that body, I’m gonna call you Yield Sign.”
Girl: “Imma yield sign all over you all night long baby.”
It’s also very interesting (and entertaining) to listen to Real and Chance narrating the show. They sound like Bill and Ted, speaking in Ryan Leslie’s Gibberish lyrics. Thanks Chance for making up your own words. These brothers are straight fools (literally) and ignant (yes, ignant) at that. Rumor has it, if this season doesn’t work out, Real’s hair is going to have a spin off series of it’s own. Because as we know, the only chick on the show with class and self-esteem is that mane that Real calls his hair.
NICK + MARIAH + EM = WAKE ME WHEN THIS BS IS OVER: It’s like watching a pitbull fight the Taco Bell dog (RIP Taco Bell dog … lol). Nick Cannon has nothing in his arsenal that could ever compare to Em’s lyrics. It would be a waste of time for Nick to go into the studio to record a comeback track. Maybe he’ll just write another 12-page-letter instead that no one can read in its entirety or digest ever (remember that blog entry he wrote after the first track and before Mariah released the Obsessed video? Can you say loooooong winded?!) Hey Nick, Wild-N-Out was a television show kid. Those were jokes (that I’m sure someone helped you write). This is way too serious for you. Just keep doing your PG-13 stuff (and that may even be a little too grown up for you). Really in all fairness, Em you should also fall back. This is an uneventful battle, considering there’s only one real emcee involved.
SORRY MARY J, THE CALL WAS DROPPED: There is no reason Mary J. needed to do that AT&T commercial! Why Mary, why? Please answer me (and the rest of your fans) that question. Mary, I just have two statements:
1. It had auto tune and there is no reason you should be using auto tune.
2. It had auto tune and there is no reason you should be using auto tune (yes, I needed to repeat myself because this is a FACT).
Mary, get at me (or someone) and explain what was really good with that AT&T commercial decision. Did you lose a bet Mary? No one I’ve talked to agrees with the commercial. Shoot, I may even cancel my AT&T plan based on that commercial. Fail.
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WILL THE REAL BECKY CHANGE HER NAME: Yeah, Plies I’m nowhere near done with your ignorance. You’re an embarrassment to men over 30 with all that nonsense you are out here doing and saying. The song Becky is a tragedy. Rumor has it that you’re a registered nurse (which is cool) so come on dude, you’re educated – you should act as such! Why sell out your education and replace it with ignorance? For 15-minutes of fame? Fail! I hope you recorded that incoherent shit in a bathroom on a karaoke tape deck because it’s horrible and you shouldn’t have wasted anyone else’s time recording that nonsense. If there was a way to record garbage and then sell it to people as music, Plies you’ve successfully done it (successfully is a relative term). Can you in the future take the rocks out of your mouth when you’re rapping? That may make it easier for me to understand. Thanks.
MORATORIUM ON SPEAKING: Joe Jackson, you are not allowed to speak about anything, any longer ... in public or in the privacy of your own home. That is now law. I’m doing the people of the world a favor by asking for Joe Jackson to be silenced. Joe Jackson is just clearly an embarrassment and him being allowed to continue to speak just makes me mad, real mad … Joe Jackson (ha!). No seriously, that dude is not thinking when he starts to speak and this is clearly a problem. Please disallow him from speaking and doing any further interviews. Joe, silence is in your best interest because you aren’t helping yourself (or anyone else for that matter).
TEEN REALITY TELEVISION: So, why hasn’t MTV officially changed their name yet? They clearly are not Music Television anymore. Video killed the radio star and bad reality television killed the music video (and the rest of television)! The funny thing about MTV is that their spin-off-channels (both domestic and internationally) play more music than they do. I mean, if you’re not up at the crack of dawn you’re probably missing all videos for the day on MTV. So, with that said, what gives MTV the right to continue to host the MTV Video Music Awards anymore? What the hell do they even know about videos? The VMAs will probably be the first time they even see half of the videos. What they should be hosting instead is the “Bad Reality Television Awards”. Hmmm… they’re probably already brainstorming this in some smoke filled Viacom back office (allegedly).
JON & KATE PLUS SHUT THE F'UP: Who cares?! Who cares?! Who cares?! Well, I kind of care about all the cameras running around follow Jon and Kate’s kids. Oh, yeah, remember them?! Parent fail!! The paparazzi should kill themselves for all this extra coverage of this family, especially shots of the kids and then publishing them. Here is all you need to know, this dude Jon is a major douchebag (him and his Ed Hardy gear) and Kate is overbearing (for the most part). But really, who cares? Let’s cancel the show, protect the kids and let them try to grow up normally, especially since dealing with parent separation is hard enough without a camera crew documenting every step.
I'M RUNNING FOR STATE REP IN LOUISIANA: You’ve probably heard me say this again and again but it needed to be mentioned once more, in my opinion Shreveport Representative Barbara Norton is an embarrassment! She turned the Louisiana House of Reps into a PTA/City Council/Baptism honoring her God Son Hurricane Chris. The entire ten minutes were a complete waste of time!
I’m often dumbfounded by what music society decides to support and then see some extremely talented musicians go unnoticed. Sure they give out proclamations like candy, so no big deal I suppose Hurricane Chris would receive one, but what has he done for society? Norton claims that both Hurricane Chris and the song Halle Berry are positive? As she said, it’s not like he’s out there shooting and killing. This is true, but Hurricane Chris and his song Halle Berry are far from positive.
“She fine den a bitch / ass and her tits / thick in da hips / every nigga wanna call her Halle Berry…” Right, that’s real positive.
But Rep Barbara Norton is quick to defend her actions with, "We were stopping for just a minute saying we love Louisiana, this is our home. Just a minute or two it wasn't like we took 30-40 minutes, we're only talking about 2-3 minutes." Uh, no! How it went down: She spoke. That dude spoke. That dude performed (which was horrible). Most importantly, there was cake in the back. This was well over three minutes and it was a complete waste of time, especially since the House was preparing for recess. Ultimate fail.
Let’s remedy this problem – I’m running for her house seat! Norton clearly cannot handle power. She’s quick to throw national politicians under the bus, saying that they are cheating, embezzling and other shady things, in an effort to defend her actions. This is true but her actions offend me the most. My platform: “I’m the guy that wouldn’t have let Hurricane Chris perform when real work needed to be done!”
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