The Road to Reality Television

So, I've been thinking about doing a reality television show for a little while. It just seems like the type of thing to do to jumpstart my career. You have to think that the door must be wide open to career opportunities after I do a show. I mean I could possibly star on other reality shows after.

But I don’t want to do just any type of reality television – like I don’t want to be on Survivor or the Real World or even Amazing Race. I’m a pretty thin dude, so Biggest Loser isn’t going to work for me (unless they change the show to being about failed attempts to articulate oneself while talking to ladies). I want to do a dating reality television show. Yeah. Those are hot right now. That’s the ticket to stardom!

So, here's the concept – I'm going to find some really pretty girls and they will all vie for my affection. Crazy, I know. I have to find girls with personalities that will only work with me but definitely cause friction between each other. Not to mention women that must be really jealous. Hopefully they won’t be insecure though.

Oh, it's also really hard for me to remember names so I'm going to have to give them all nicknames of course. Names like “backbone” and “little miss” and "who are you" and “sweet tasty” and “white meat” and “black girl”. Yeah, that’s going to be good. It will help me remember them and it will be great that the world identifies them that way too. I’m trying to build careers, so it might even help them down the road.

I won't really like any of them of course. They’ll all have traits that I dig but none of them will be the complete package. I mean they can’t be because I won’t be able to have a second or third season of the show. I’ll need at least three seasons before I can line up my next reality television gig. Basically, together they'll kind of be like a super girl - you know, I'll merge all of their personalities together in blurred moments and never really spend enough time getting to know them, so the attraction will be superficial. Doing this hopefully will reduce my interaction with the super crazy parts about them and plus they’ll always just be affectionate and loving and never nagging. Well, when they nag or give me ultimatums, I’ll just send them home at elimination time. The nerve of a woman telling me that she doesn’t want to share me with several other women. Well, I guess I’ll keep some of the women that cause drama (cause as my man Black Ice said, "there’s no money in good health”) and drama equals ratings. Plus you have to allow the audience to have their favorites and the ones they don’t like (and then throw stuff at the television set when I send the “wrong” girl home each week).

But how will I know who is really there for me? I guess I could be like an adult and take them out on dates or whatever. Perhaps just have a series of one-on-ones with the girls. You know, date like a regular adult. Nah, that’s probably not going to be good for ratings either. Oh, I got it. These girls will need to fight for my affection. Perhaps like silly game show contestants. But this isn’t going to be your average game show. Perhaps one time I'll have 'em roll around in flower looking for chicken. Then they race to a frying pan and have to fry me up a six piece and a biscuit. Then perhaps another challenge will be arm wrestling while blind folded with a monkey on their back and wearing a bathing suit while emerged in jello. This will definitely help me weed out who is here for me or not.

Of course I have to introduce them to the fam, who will be reluctant to be pulled into this whole mess. But my mom (who probably tried to convince me not to do this show) will be hard on all the girls. That will help me really figure it out.

I’ll need a tour bus, a house and a stable in which we’ll film the show. In the end, I’ll take the finalists on a romantic getaway on an Alaskan fishing boat. After working for a week as a fisherman, it will be then that I’ll pick the one I want to spend the rest of my life (or until the reunion show) with. I mean duh; I obviously have to break up with her on national television in order for it to be real.

But before we get to the finale, I guess I need a sidekick that will also help me with my decisions each week. I’ll have my God-sister-butler-roadie-personal assistant-best friend-pilot-referee-chef fill that void (that’s one person by the way). They’ll help me deliver messages to the girls and will be by my side when I’m figuring out who I’ll eliminate each week. They’ll also be my eyes and ears in the house.

Shoot speaking of elimination, I have to figure out a good catch phrase. Hmm… “You know what time it is” … “Will you continue to rock my world”… “You here for the love of Q?” Damn! No, they don't quite have the right ring to it. Hmm… wait, I got it.

“Shortie, you still willing to be a fool?” Yeah, I like that. After they answer yes, I’ll give them a glass of champagne with a picture of a rose that tells time on it, that they can wear around their neck. That’s going to be dope.

This show is going to be great. You have to love dating reality television shows.

I'll call it "For the love of making a fool out of yourself”.